15 Love Rules for Single Men from Some Very Funny Ladies
1) Brush your teeth, bad breath will make us think that you have a rotten soul and that it’s trying to escape out of your mouth.
2) Tip the waiter at least 20% and no more than 30%, it’ll show us that you’re generous but not also a waiter.
3) Don’t ever lose your temper in front of us and/or punch a wall, we’ve seen enough Lifetime to know what happens next.
4) Be sure not to arrive to a first date wearing a cast even if your arm is broken, it’ll make us think of Ted Bundy and then we’ll never want to be alone with you. Instead, bring a copy of your driver’s license, social security card, credit report, medical history and a few professional references… just to help break the ice.
5) Tell us that we look beautiful, more beautiful than your ex who died from, say, the same type of cancer as that chick in Love Story… it’ll show us that you’re vulnerable, well-versed in classic movies from the ’70s and ready to settle down.
I never thought I’d be a go-to source for all things Valentine’s Day, but Single-ish blogger John Ortved at Glamour Magazine recently asked me to share some of my thoughts on this venerable Hallmark PR scheme:
Jena: My crush’s lab results from his most recent STD test, folded in half to look like a card.
John: What’s your advice for single people on Valentine’s Day?
Jena: Take yourself out to a romantic dinner, sit at a table next to a happy couple and cry.
John: What is your worst Valentine’s memory?
Jena: Getting a Valentine from a mentally disabled boy in my 4th grade class and telling him that I couldn’t be his Valentine, not because of his severe learning disability but because my mom only wanted me to date Jewish guys, then finding out he was…I should have known by the last name.
Trapped in an Econolodge in Manchester, New Hampshire this past holiday weekend (I was entertaining a bunch of Jews my parents age in the basement of a Chinese restaurant), I tuned in to the FOX & Friends Christmas Eve Special, where I witnessed the most effective visual contraceptive I have ever seen:
I sat through the whole FOX Christmas Special, partly because the DNA library on my sheets made it difficult to sleep but also because I found it truly fascinating… if I had known that FOX’s “Friends” consisted of gay dads (Steve Doocy) and children of the corn (all of the FOX reporters’ kids look like they were bred in Lebensborn), I would have tuned in years ago.
PHOTO OF CREEPY BLONDE CHILDREN
*for some reason the photo of Gretchen Carlson, with her kids Kaia (named after an American Girl Doll) and Christian (named after Osama Bin Laden), is not uploading… or maybe it has uploaded and we just can’t see it because, collectively, they have no soul.
is not just the name of an improv group… it’s what happens when young parents watch FOX News, drink Natural Ice and try to fry a turkey at the same time.
In response, FOX has created this informative video to avoid yet another lawsuit:
FOX suggests that people frying turkeys for the holidays should READ THE INSTRUCTIONS beforehand so as not to burn surrounding babies. That’s silly, if they could actually read they wouldn’t be watching FOX News in the first place.
The pharmaceutical behemoth Bayer is under fire for safety concerns over its top selling drugs, Yaz and Yasmin.
You may have seen the commercials: a less weathered version of Sex and the City enjoying a night on the town thanks to a mood-altering figure-enhancing wonder drug that not only protects against the p word (pregnancy), but also combats premenstrual depression, acne, weight gain and the fear of dying alone.
But according to recent reports, the Yaz franchise, like a lame boyfriend, makes promises it can’t keep. A whole slew of non-Bayer affiliated research is coming out, claiming that Yaz and Yasmin are in fact NOT the new black; rather, these drugs are believed to increase women’s risk for blood clots, strokes and other cardiovascular health problems.
Furthermore, the company has already been hit with 74 lawsuits, brought on by crazy, irrational, PMS-y women charging that they developed health problems after taking Yaz or Yasmin.
While Bayer plans to stand behind the safety of its sister drugs in court, industry analysts say that the crimson wave of criticism could soil the company’s image like a pair of peri-pubescent panties.
Man, if we can’t trust pharmaceutical companies, who can we trust?
Today I was invited to be a guest on the Rachel Ray Show. I was pretty excited to score my first legitimate TV credit (unless The Other Winfrey Show, on suburban Chicago public access TV, counts) when I realized what the segment was about: REAL girls (not comedians) discussing how they lost their virginity.
Finally! All this time I’ve been saving MY virginity for the day I’d get to appear on The Rachel RayShow. Talk about killing two birds with one stone!?!? Up until this point, I’ve been living a lie telling people that I lost my virginity in a coffin on a late October night, to a washed up actor while on the run from a sexy vampiress with a gap between her teeth.
American Girl has managed to shock and awe the blogosphere yet again with an adorable new addition to the company’s collection. Meet Gwen Thompson, the homeless friendccessory to Chrissa, AG’s doll of 2009:
That’s just her head, but you get the point.
For $95, you can purchase Gwen along with her book which you’ll probably have to read to her (because she’s illiterate) and her lone accessory, a $7 toy hairbrush and the only thing the kids in the shelter didn’t steal. While many of you may deem Hobo Gwen “offensive” and “exploitative,” mostly because none of the Mattel’s profits will actually go to homeless relief efforts, I think she’s pretty edgy. I mean, a white blonde homeless doll in 2009?! That’s quite progressive, even for Mattel. Now, if only American Girl’s Doll Hospital accepted the uninsured.
Which reminds me, here’s to the NEW REFUGEE GIRL DOLL OF 2009!!!
Drum roll please…
Her name is la Gloria Portadora and she’s a resistant little firecracker from Mexico. Gloria, along with her piglet, Estornudo, flew to America in the Spring of 2009 after a deadly epidemic swept through their native region of Veracruz.
In American, she lives with her cousin, Carlos, an adjunct faculty member at the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia. Gloria’s hobbies include riding public transportation, laughing, coughing, not covering her mouth when she coughs, licking door knobs and guitar hero.
As far as accessories, La Gloria comes with a $5 toy brush (cheaper than Hobo Gwen’s because it was made in Mexico), a stockpile of Tamiflu that you can actually eat (they’re sugar pills, but don’t underestimate the placebo effect) and a corresponding book set (en Ingles y Español).
In her first book, ¡Que Puta la Escuela!, Gloria is sent home from school for being a bio-health hazard. In ¡Oh díos mio!, we learn that sometimes, when you think you’re in heaven, you might just be in a coma. And in La Gloria Dice NO a Las Drogas, we discover that certain drugs lose their efficacy when taken recreationally. Oh, and unlike the Gwen doll, a portion of La Gloria’s proceeds totally go towards helping the homeless (me!).
This past summer I had the privilege to open for Jessica Delfino at the Soho Theater in London. It was my first time performing stand-up comedy outside of the country (ok, fine, I did a few shows in Toronto a while back but no one could even hear me through my SARS mask) and overall the experience went well. Anthropologically speaking, I did take note of a few cultural differences:
For one, the Brits seem to enjoy a darker, drier brand of comedy… which I’d imagine pairs well with the ghosts of limeys past trapped in the London Underground.
Also, the Brits place more economic value on comedy than we do in the states, as evidenced by the hefty pay checks comedians get for performing. For instance, Jess and I were invited to play a private “ladies only” event where we were payed £130 just to do a few minutes of comedy, which would be comparable to $190… if it wasn’t in the form of a sex toy. That’s right, we were paid in vibrators:
We unassuming Americans were roped into performing live comedy at a British product launch of a new sex toy, called the SaSi. Sadly, our time onstage was cut short once the rosé was passed out. Apparently, drunk British women are not our target demographic…
But back to the sex toy, the reason this product is so expensive is because it’s equipped with “a fancy system of programmable stimulation settings so that it learns what you like.” Which, in a round about way, brings me to the point of this blog: sex with robots.
Robophilia, Technosexuality, J-Date… whatever you want to call it, this inorganic fetish is sweeping the nation. And it makes sense, with the ubiquity of STDs, serial murder, and flaky peeps who wait three days to text you back, I can see why a lot of men and women are reverting to synthetic materials for sexual gratification.
And while sex with a robot might not be my cup of tea*, a few more years of being single in New York and I may change my tune.
*my cup of tea is definitely English Breakfast, I love it… so robust and earthy.
Looking back on my last post, I have to admit that it kind of gave me the cheese chills the second time around. But to preserve the integrity of this blog, I decided not to “pull an Iran” by deleting it. Below is a pretty awesome video that will alleviate any overwhelming sense of cheesiness you may have gotten from the John and Yoko love fest:
Which brings me to my list of all time favorite 80s movies:
1. Teen Witch (1989)
2. Lady In White (1988)
3. Sleepaway Camp (1983)
4. Troll 2 (1990) … but the prequel was shot in the 80s
